


I Get Discouraged (Cus I Never See You Anymore)

by TypicalSadWriter



Series: 27 Year Ache [2]
Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad, Teenage Drama, Truth or Dare, eddie realises some Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 07:49:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21071426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TypicalSadWriter/pseuds/TypicalSadWriter
Summary: After Richie has left Derry without warning, Eddie is left to pick up the pieces he left behind.





	I Get Discouraged (Cus I Never See You Anymore)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a part two of a fic i posted before, “How I’ve Wanted For You (You’ll Never Know)” and i’d definitely recommend reading that first  
no trigger warning with this one, folks  
title is from “Wanna Be Your Lover” by Prince (more on that in the end notes)

My fellow Losers,

hey. By the time you’re reading this, you’ve probably already gone to the Quarry. You probably swam, wrestled like we were still little kids and smoked through an entire pack of cigarettes. You probably also noticed my absence. Eddie probably freaked out, insisting I’m sick and that someone needs to help take care of me because my parents never do. Don’t worry, Eddie Spaghetti. I’m fine. Healthy. Thriving, actually. 

I left Derry. If you bothered to look at my house, my car and bike are gone. My clothes are gone, the pictures of us from my wall are gone. My room is just an empty bed and a desk that I couldn’t fit in the Gremlin. 

I’m not coming back. 

I said when we were kids that I would do anything to get out of Derry. After graduation, I came to the realisation that there is nothing holding me here anymore. 

I know that at the end of the summer, you are all leaving for college. I really hope you all have fun and make new friends while you’re gone. 

And who knows? Maybe we’ll all run into each other again some day. Not in a Killer Clown situation, but...something. 

I love you all. 

Love, Richie. 

P.S. Eddie, I was going to ask your mom to run away with me, but I figured she would say no and talk me into staying, so I didn’t. Sorry, Bud. 

“What the fuck?” Eddie whispers, staring down at the letter that fluttered out of the hammock as soon as Ben opened the trapdoor earlier. 

They were all planning on hanging out for a bit longer. Well, except for Eddie. He was just grabbing some medicine and a can of soup from the shelves he stocked up a few summers ago. 

He was planning on going to see Richie, to make sure he is alright. 

“He seriously left?” Bev asks, looking over Eddie’s shoulder at the letter. He had picked it up and read it out loud as soon as he recognised Richie’s handwriting. 

“That’s what it says!” Eddie insists, passing the letter off to her so he can start pacing. 

“Where would he even go? Does he have any idea how fucking dangerous this is?! I don’t think he even bothered to plan a destination, and he is fucking horrible with planning ahead! What if he gets stuck in a snow mound or-“ 

“Eddie, it’s summer,” Mike reminds quietly. He’s sitting in one of the chairs, frowning a bit. Eddie huffs. 

“His car could break down! The Gremlin is a piece of shit and we all know it-“

“and he knows how to fix it at this point,” Mike says, voice all too gentle. 

“Do you think this could have anything to do with prom?” Bev murmurs towards Eddie, handing the sheet of paper off to Stanley. 

“Prom? What about prom?” Eddie asks, brows furrowed as he stops pacing for a moment. 

Mike, who didn’t go to their prom, looks just as confused. 

“I-I think he liked th-th-the girl you were with,” Bill murmurs, frowning heavily, “he was just...s-staring at you two.” 

Eddie turns to offer Bill owlish eyes and a mouth shaped into an ‘o’. 

“You think he liked Lisa?”

“No, Idiots,” Bev insists, pulling a cigarette from her pocket, “he liked Eddie. It was obvious. He only had eyes for him all night, and he completely ditched his date. She was also pretty fucking hot. A straight guy wouldn’t turn that chance up,” Bev insists. 

Eddie frowns, pushing a hand through his hair. 

He always had a feeling that the rumours about Richie were at least a little true.

His favourite movie is The Outsiders, and he hasn’t looked twice at any of the girls in their town since eighth grade. 

He sits alone in the hammock for the first time ever. 

It feels too big. 

Lonely. 

Richie was Eddie’s first kiss. 

He closes his eyes as the hammock sways under him, tuning out the others completely. 

They’re all just talking about Richie anyways. 

•••

“I brought vodka!” Bev declares as she crawls down the ladder. 

Sure enough, in her overall’s front pocket sits two bottles. 

Richie lets out a loud whoop, throwing his comic book aside. 

“What a way to start a summer!” he cheers. 

Eddie smiles, watching as Richie tumbles out of the hammock. Eddie follows suit, and they make their way over to Bev. 

“Well, I figured that since we all made it through freshman year, we deserved to celebrate,” Bev says, taking the stack of cups that Ben hands her with a little wink. 

Ben’s entire face turns pink, and Eddie bites his lip. 

As sad as Ben’s crush on Bev is, Eddie is almost jealous of it. 

He wishes someone would see him the way Ben sees Bev. 

Richie wraps his arm around Eddie’s shoulder, jostling him a bit as Bev starts pouring drinks. 

“What do ya think, Spaghetti? You finally gonna start drinking with us?” he asks. 

Eddie looks up at Richie, nose scrunching up. 

His eyes seem to sparkle from behind his glasses, and his smile seems just a bit more genuine than usual. 

If it keeps that smile on Richie’s face, Eddie will do anything. 

“Yeah,” he says, shrugging a bit, “why not?”

Eddie and Richie are tangled back up in the hammock when Mike says, “what about truth or dare?”

“What about it?” Stan asks, looking up from the book he has in his lap. 

“Let’s play it,” Mike continues, setting his cup to the side. Everyone is two or three drinks in. The first bottle of vodka is already gone. 

Eddie finds his eyes wandering to Richie. 

He’s always been weirdly anxious about truth or dare. 

Richie’s jaw is clenched, and he’s holding his cup so hard that the plastic is denting under his fingertips. 

Eddie nudges his cheek with his foot gently.

Richie looks at Eddie, who offers a smile that he’s hoping is reassuring. 

Richie seems to relax a bit. 

“What’s your guilty pleasure?” Stanley asks Ben, who’s face is flushed with alcohol. Or maybe it’s because Bev is sitting so close to him on the floor that their arms are touching. 

“I like to listen to New Kids on the Block and dance. Like, actually dance.” Ben informs, offering an awkward chuckle. 

“Holy shit!” Richie cheers from his spot on the hammock, “I’m dying to see that!” 

“Maybe one day, huh, New Kid?” Bev asks, nudging Ben gently. Ben blushes further. 

“Eddie. Truth or Dare?” Ben asks, trying desperately to change the subject. 

Eddie has picked truth the last three turns. He hates dares, but it’s not like he can get away with avoiding them forever.

Plus, Ben is nice. He can’t have anything too horrible. Right? 

“Dare.” 

“I dare you to kiss Trashmouth.”

Richie chokes on his drink across from Eddie in the hammock, and he starts coughing pretty violently. 

Eddie’s nose scrunches up. 

“Seriously? That’s gross. Look at him,” Eddie whines. 

Richie offers him a middle finger, still coughing. 

“Come on, Eddie. It’s just a dare. Get it over with,” Stanley murmurs around his cup. 

Eddie takes another moment to watch Richie choke up the vodka and soda. Then, he shrugs. 

“Fine.” 

He pulls his legs closer to himself so he can sit up on the hammock. 

He nudges Richie to do the same as soon as he catches his breath. 

Richie’s cheeks are pink, but he follows suit, straddling the fabric same as Eddie as they both set their drinks on the floor. 

Gravity brings them scooting closer together, and Eddie sets his hands on Richie’s shoulders as he struggles to keep his balance for a second. 

Eddie can hear Richie’s breathing, a little uneven and fast. 

Is he nervous? 

Eddie licks his lips, finding comfort in the fact that he isn’t the only one to feel that way. 

“Ready?” Eddie questions, though he isn’t entirely sure why. Richie’s hands are shaking where they are resting in his own lap. 

Eddie wishes he knew why. 

“It won’t be as good as kissing your mom, but-“

“Beep beep, Richie.”

Then, Eddie is leaning forward and pressing their lips together. 

It’s stiff and awkward. Richie isn’t pressing back into the kiss at all, and Eddie immediately regrets agreeing to this game. 

He’s just about to pull away when Richie’s shaking hands cup his cheeks, lips starting to move. 

It’s a ridiculously gentle kiss, like he’s nervous he’ll hurt Eddie. 

Eddie almost wants to say he isn’t some doll that will break, but he isn’t even sure why he wants the kiss to change. No matter what, he’ll still be kissing Richie. 

He’ll still be kissing a boy. 

Eddie pulls back after about a minute, and Richie’s hands fall back down into his own lap.

“Bill, truth or dare?”

•••

Eddie rides his bike home. 

It’s horribly lonely without Richie to keep him company. 

His lips tingle with remnants of a kiss three years ago, and all he can think about is the fact that Richie was apparently in love with him. 

He was nervous that night, and he kissed Eddie like he loved him. 

Did his feelings go back that far?

How long has he carried them? 

Eddie stops riding so he can throw up in the Ripsom’s grass. 

All those years, when he caught Richie staring at him, it was because he was in love. 

How did Eddie not catch on until now? 

_ ‘Why’d you come?’ _

_ ‘Because you asked me to.’ _

Eddie feels a bubble of guilt in his stomach. 

Richie went to prom because of him. 

Richie left Derry because of him. 

He misses the feeling of someone watching him as he parks his bike and makes his way into the house. 

Eddie loves showers. 

It might just be the hypochondriac in him, but he loves the feeling of the warm water pounding against his shoulders and down his back. 

He gets in the shower as soon as he gets inside the house. 

He stares down at his own hands as the water rushes around him and makes a valiant effort to get in his eyes. 

Just yesterday, he was touching Richie with these hands. 

Did Richie hate it? 

Did he loathe Eddie for the way he made him feel? 

Eddie bites his lip, a tingle shooting through his palms as he remembers the touches. 

Some were fleeting things; hitting Richie on the shoulder for something he said, ruffling his hair, adjusting his glasses. 

Others lingered a bit more, though always without any thought or intention on Eddie’s behalf; holding onto Richie’s ankle where it rested by his hip on the hammock, letting his head fall to Richie’s shoulder when they moved from the hammock to the floor and sat side-by-side, hugging him in the car. 

Eddie feels another tingle shoot up his calf, and he distinctly remembers Richie touching it almost absent-mindedly in the hammock. 

His brows furrow as he starts to actually wash himself rather than waste water. 

All of the lingering touches Richie provided, Eddie matched. 

All of the stares that he caught from Richie were easily returned without Eddie even thinking about it. 

Does that mean he likes Richie back?

He closes his eyes and tries to imagine a relationship with Richie. 

He tries to imagine Richie coming home from work and kissing Eddie on both cheeks. He tries to imagine sweet cuddles and surprise flowers. 

It makes his stomach flip. 

No, if they dated, it wouldn’t be like the movies. 

Richie would come home and shout in some impression of a voiceover from the fifties, “honey, I’m home!” before tracking Eddie down so he can try to mess his hair up. 

He would poke and prod at Eddie anytime they cuddled to try to annoy him, and his surprises would probably fall under spontaneous dancing. 

Eddie finds he doesn’t hate the sound of that. 

He wraps a towel around his shoulders rather than his waist (like he used to do when he was younger and a towel could fully engulf him) when he gets out of the shower, looking at himself in the mirror. 

He’s never been horribly insecure about how he looks. He has other things to worry about, such as possibly-cancerous freckles and sunspots. 

Looking in the mirror now, though, he doesn’t get it. 

Is he really the person that someone could fall in love with and agonise over day in and day out? 

With Ben and Bev, he understands. Bev is beautiful, with her wild red hair and caring eyes. 

Eddie feels horribly plain compared to her. 

But Richie didn’t think he was plain. 

He pushes that thought to the back of his mind and starts pulling on his clothes. 

His small bedroom feels even smaller now that he knows his best friend isn’t just a few streets away, or even a phone call away anymore. 

He lays on his back, eyes falling closed despite knowing he probably won’t be sleeping.

•••

Eddie wakes up from his nap to someone tapping the beat of some Prince song on his window. 

He picks his head up with a sleepy groan, and a sluggish arm moves to jerk the curtain aside. He’s met with a wild head of hair and the troublemaker grin of his best friend. 

He groans again, burying his face right back in the pillow. 

Richie starts singing, then. 

“And I need your love, Babe! That’s all I’m living for, yeah! I didn’t want to pressure you, Baby, but all I ever wanted to do, I wanna be your lover-“ Eddie finally stands, then, cheeks flaming as he stands up and opens the window. 

“What?” he hisses. Richie starts climbing into his room without waiting for permission.

Eddie falls back into bed, irritable now. 

“Come on, Eds, I can’t visit my favourite person on the planet? And by that, of course, I mean your-“ 

“Beep beep, Richie.”

Richie climbs into the bed next to Eddie, smiling wide. He somehow managed to grow even taller over this past school year. He’ll be starting Junior year just barely past the 6’0 mark. Eddie tries not to feel dwarfed next to him. 

He’s pretty sure Richie’s feet dangle off the edge of the bed Eddie’s had since third grade, when he finally stopped wetting the bed. 

“I really just wanted to see you,” Richie says, toeing his shoes off. They clatter to the floor too loudly, but it doesn’t matter because his mommy isn’t home today. She went to some book club or something. 

Eddie isn’t actually entirely sure where she is. He stopped listening when she speaks a few years ago. 

Eddie groans, and Richie offers a small chuckle. Eddie can almost see the smile on his face, completely pleased with himself for annoying Eddie already. 

“Come on, you can’t seriously be that tired, can you?” Richie questions. Eddie reaches forward and blindly hits him. Judging by his sudden exhale and the firmness, Eddie is sure he hit Richie’s chest. 

“It’s nap time. Nap or leave.”

Richie snorts, but Eddie can feel him shuffling to rearrange himself so he can fall asleep. 

“Nap time. We aren’t in fucking Kindergarten, Edward,” he replies. Eddie feels a head fall next to his on his pillow. 

Eddie can hear Richie humming the rest of the stupid song as he starts falling asleep. 

•••

Eddie climbs out of bed, crossing the room to his desk. He immediately opens the drawer where he keeps his CD’s, pulling out a familiar Prince CD that he bought at the beginning of Junior year. He grabs his CD player and headphones before crossing back to his bed and letting himself listen to the track. 

Then, he hits replay. 

Again and again, until he falls asleep and the CD can finally play the next song. 

It’s been a week since Richie left. 

Eddie doesn’t even like Prince, but he’s listened to his CD every night. 

He feels horribly lonely despite the fact that the other Losers are with him every day. 

The hammock feels too empty. 

Silences drag on for too long. 

No one makes him laugh nearly as hard as Richie could. 

He goes to the arcade with the others, if only to avoid sitting at home with his mommy. 

It feels wrong to look over at Street Fighter and see someone else mashing the buttons. 

The high score screen flashes while Eddie watches, and he turns his eyes away when he sees ‘RTT’ flashing in the first and fourth place spots. 

Summer feels empty without Richie. 

A week and three days after he leaves, Bev and Ben say their goodbyes. 

Bev is moving out west to live with her aunt.

Ben’s father is being relocated, and Ben says that he’s going to stay wherever they end up this time. 

It leaves Mike, Stanley, Bill, and Eddie. 

They don’t do much. 

It’s weird to hang out without everyone. 

Nearly six years of friendship seems to go right down the drain. 

Richie hasn’t even called. 

Eddie knows Richie memorised his landline. 

He wonders where Richie is, how he’s doing. 

He hopes he’s eating well. 

He rides his bike past Richie’s house a couple of weeks after he’s gone, but it feels empty. 

Richie’s bedroom curtains are open, and looking inside shows exactly what Richie said; a desk and a bed. 

The only sign that Richie ever actually existed in this space is the small carving of his name on one of the posts of his stupid, twin sized bed. 

Eddie feels an ache in his chest, a Richie shaped hole in his heart that he hadn’t known existed until this moment, as he stares at the choppily carved ‘Richie’. 

He turns away from the window, feeling a little like a creep and a lot like his heart is breaking. 

He decides then and there that he won’t be riding his bike past Richie’s house again, if he can avoid it. 

He finds himself heading for the kissing bridge, though he has no idea why. 

He leans his bike against one of the creaky posts, slumping over right next to it. 

He looks at initials and names carved into the wood, and wonders how many of these relationships have lasted. 

Who is Amber? 

Who loved her? 

Was she beautiful? 

Was it her best friend who loved her enough to carve her name in a heart like a shitty tattoo? 

Eddie swallows thickly, shuffling forward before he can stop himself.

He carries a knife in his fanny pack; he has ever since that summer in middle school. 

He pulls it out with shaking fingers and he carves a choppy ‘R’ into the wood, one board below ‘Amber’. 

He doesn’t know why he does it, and he finds himself scooting to the other side of the bridge a bit too quickly after he’s finished. 

The ‘R’ seems to stand out more than any other carving on the stupid bridge, and Eddie shakes his head at his own actions.

He pockets the knife. 

He rides away from the bridge, letting it become another place he doesn’t wish to visit. 

A month after Richie has gone, Lisa calls. 

She asks Eddie to the movies. 

Eddie turns her down despite the fact that she was perfectly sweet at prom and he had a wonderful time with her. 

Instead, he stays home and cries, mourning something that never happened. 

Two months after Richie has left, Eddie stops hoping for a call. 

Instead, he starts packing for college. 

His mommy freaked out when he said he was going to the college in New York. 

He doesn’t care.

He understands Richie’s itch to leave, now. 

He’s desperate to get out of Derry himself. 

The stupid town doesn’t hold anything for him. 

Eddie lets his mommy drive him all the way to New York. 

He lets her kiss his cheeks, and he promises to call once a week. 

He curls up in his new bed as soon as she’s gone. 

A name bounces around the back of his head, just beyond his reach. 

Something about a boy who he loved, a bridge, a Prince song, and arcade scores in a town that seems light years away. 

He closes his eyes and lets himself fall asleep, dreaming of a cocky smile and unruly hair. 

When he wakes up for freshman orientation the next day, he feels a tightness in his chest that he can’t explain. 

He brushes it off as heartburn, and continues with his life.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! english was not my first language, so feel free to point out any spelling/grammar mistakes, or give me any recommendations to improve my writing!  
the song richie sings outside of eddie’s window is the same song the title comes from  
a part three that actually fixes things is on its way. it’ll happen when they’re adults, because i couldn’t figure out a way to reunite them as teenagers that made sense.  
as always, comments and kudos are very much appreciated!  
thanks again for reading! x


End file.
